Rolling Stone
As audiences observed Hayden Panettiere's evolution from a child star on soap operas One Life to Live and Guiding Light to a prominent presence in popular TV series such as Heroes and Nashville, the actress's journey in Hollywood was not without its challenges. Despite her burgeoning fame, she reveals that she endured significant struggles behind the scenes, facing both relentless tabloid scrutiny and unrealistic expectations imposed by external critics as well as those closest to her.
In her newly released memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning, Panettiere offers a candid account of her early career, personal struggles, and the transformation of an industry that once felt playful yet became increasingly unforgiving.
Published on May 19, This Is Me rapidly ascended to the top of Amazon's biographies chart within hours of its release, maintaining a prominent position as of this writing.
While the media often portrayed Panettiere as an intelligent and captivating "it girl" of a new generation, she paints a more complex picture of her reality. She writes about a challenging relationship with her mother, who also served as her manager, which led to her feeling more like a commodity than a creative individual. Additionally, Panettiere struggled to meet the demanding expectations surrounding her appearance and work ethic.
Although she achieved continued success in her career, her personal life became increasingly tumultuous. She is forthcoming about grappling with addiction and experiencing domestic abuse. After the birth of her daughter with boxer Wladimir Klitschko in 2014, Panettiere fell into a severe postpartum depression. During a recent appearance on The View, she expressed her struggle with the desire to be a better mother than her own had been while battling debilitating periods of paralysis that left her bedridden for days. In 2018, amidst her ongoing battles with addiction and postpartum depression, she made the difficult decision to relinquish full custody of her daughter, Kaya, to Klitschko. Panettiere poignantly reflects, "Not being with her under the same roof [as Kaya] has been the most gut-wrenching experience of my life."
The memoir also delves into other significant life events, including the passing of her brother, Jansen, in 2023, and speculations regarding feuds with notable co-stars. Panettiere refers to these pivotal moments as "lifequakes," defining them as experiences that fragmented her identity and compelled her to reconstruct it from within.
Despite the gravity of her experiences, Panettiere expresses hope for her readers. She emphasizes that it is possible to find a light at the end of every tunnel. Reflecting on her brother's death, she remarks, "He would want me to remember that death and loss are part of life, but they allow rebirth if you let them."
At 36, Panettiere likens herself to a well-known animated character: "I'm like Dory, the resilient little fish in Finding Nemo who just keeps swimming even when she comes face to face with a bunch of sharks," she writes. "Life can shake you up and tear you down, but even when you're at your worst, there's hope, and you have an opportunity to rebuild."
This Is Me: A Reckoning, published by Grand Central Publishing, contains 320 pages and is available in hardcover, Kindle, and audiobook formats, with the audiobook featuring narration by Panettiere herself and a total runtime of eight hours and 47 minutes.
Share this story